只有妈妈在身边，竞争挑战如浮云

2025年10月17日 （星期五） 晴🔆

          明天就是妈妈的生日了，已经两年没得与妈妈庆祝生日了。只能送礼物而已，无法陪在妈妈身边庆祝生日。我这一路走来，都是妈妈在我身后的鼓励与支持。无论我做什么决定，她都始终尊重我的选择，并给与支持。这一生，我最庆幸就是妈妈无论如何都是尊重我的决定，让我自由发挥。

          最有印象的就是在我12岁考小六检定考试的时候，那时候成绩出炉，我竟然获得全A。我还记得妈妈说了一句：“我们身为父母的，都不是读书的料，可是栽培出来的女儿竟然大获全A，我真的引以为傲！”那时候的我还上了报纸，妈妈也特别把当时的报纸珍贵的保存起来。从那时候起，我就发誓要保持成绩优越，直到上大学。

          一直到硕士毕业，我始终保持之继续优越的精神。从学士到硕士，我始终都没好好拍一张像样的毕业照。亦或者说毕业典礼也没出席，就算出席也是草率地结束，没正式好好拍个全家福。当时的脑海里就只出现一句：“这些都只是走个过程而已，我真正的目标是博士毕业。那个才算是值得庆祝并值得我留念。”我知道这样对自己要求很高，可这毕竟是我在12岁就为自己许下的诺言，要一直都成为优秀的人。

          从小到大，唯一陪伴我上学放学的就只有母亲，她的陪伴让我安全感倍增，尤其是每逢大考的时候，只要妈妈陪伴在我身边，在考场里奋战的我就无所畏惧。她就是我坚强的后盾，无论何时何地，到现在上工作的战场，心里也会默念妈妈一声，祈求自己保持面对工作上的坚强与勇气。面对生活上的一堆鸡毛，妈妈也从来都不退缩，并把家里打扫得井井有条。妈妈的榜样一直都是我面对生活与工作上的精神良药。

             小学是我最怀念的时光。那时候的我什么都不需要顾虑，只专注与学业和运动，一切都在掌控之内。上了中学，事情有点不受控，身边的亲戚与同学之间的攀比过于严重，导致我学业上也无法正常发挥，也只能勉强过关而已。那时候领悟到一个道理，既然事与愿违，那就顺其自然。这对我来说何尝不是一堂宝贵的课。

          我对未来只有一个请求，那就是可以继续升读博士，这是我唯一的心愿。如果可以继续维持工作之余part-time读书，那我就死而无憾。写到这里终于感到一丝困意，是时候来个结尾结束此文章。结束前，我想最后说一句：“只有妈妈在身边，竞争挑战如浮云。”也借此机会提早祝妈妈生日快乐！愿天下的母亲都平安喜乐！

你认真努力的样子真好看！

精神富足的世界

 

2025年10月15 日 （星期三）雨☔️

           今天是休息日，昨晚还是如往常那样失眠😑可是昨晚失眠还是蛮productive的，已经把全部papers documenting进folder里面了，蛮开心的，settle完一切后就已经凌晨5am(又是5am😅)，然后睡了六个小时，差不多11am，就起床去JB吃午餐了。吃午餐时间也没闲着，工欲善其事必先利其器，自己带了电脑和笔记本边吃午餐边写LR的大纲，写完差不多两个papers的大纲就过来写blogger，好有效率哦！今天坐在cafe的角落，充满安全感与灵感加持之下，就完成那么多事情了。好啦！5.30pm要准备搭巴士回家了。

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 2025年10月16 日 （星期四）晴🌤️

          今天也算是个休息日，可是效率就没昨天好。起了床，吃了早餐，洗衣服/晒了衣，就倒头继续睡，也忘了睡了多久？就起身吃午餐，然后继续洗衣服/晒衣服，过后才开始写LR，照目前的时间来看，大概可以写三个papers。算是比昨天好一点，因为今天一整天都在家里，不需要浪费transportation的时间，还可以补眠。只有写论文才可以让我回忆起之前硕士时候的精神满足感。等下7pm要跟朋友吃晚餐，虽然不是很想去，可是他一直问，那就去吧，要不然他觉得我要跟他翻脸了。真的很怀念读硕士的日子，回忆总是美好的，活在当下是终生的功课。差不多5.30pm完成了三个papers的LR，感觉挺累的！是时候休息一下补眠了😌

💬Working on my future👩🏻‍💻

2025年10月13日 (星期一）🔆晴

          今天去了观音庙拜拜，跟菩萨说了自己想去NTU进修博士，原因是可以一面工作一面读书。现在连第二个页章也还没动笔，计划是在2026年之前完成，可是应该是做不到了，因为太多报告还没读了。第二页章是最难写的了，除了读，还要批判性思考，不能只是把所读的直接写出来。还在等着学生，他到现在都还没来，真是无语，不来也不说一声。今天就只教三个学生就可以回家做自己的东西了。今天的目标是把昨天所收集的references全部找出来。

          最近为了健康外加减肥，换了自己的饮食习惯，尽量吃salad和喝牛油果果汁。工作之余，形象很重要。为了搞好的形象，就从改变每一天的饮食习惯开始吧！妈妈的生日也要到了，也已经知道要送什么给她了。10月蛮多人生日的，自己的学生都已经有两个是在这个月生日呢！现在的宗旨就是让自己轻松快乐，尽量对自己好一点。另一半如果还一直在气我，我真的会毫不犹豫地把他送走! 

          长得越大，越发现自己离小时候的梦想越来越远。本来以为可以顺顺利利硕士毕业后继续读博的，可是因为逼不得已要面对现实才选择踏入职场。现在想回去，我是真的很想哭。眼泪已经在我的眼眶打滚了。因为经济问题所以才选择放弃升学这条路了。7月尾去找了前教授，连他也叫我继续工作先不要升学了。他知道我要工作，肯定无法专注写论文了。

          我的人生很多遗憾让我觉得很伤心，很忧郁，根本开心不起来。对于人生的失控，有时候让我感到临近崩溃。除了学业道路上，以前在家庭里的地位也让我体会到了人生的不公平。我这一生都注定了要弥补童年的不幸。请给我时间，我会逆袭让那些看不起我的人大跌眼镜，包括我的前教授。你对我的棒头一击打醒了我，让我更明确地看清楚未来的路。

Year of 2025: Another Insomnia Night

 

         Today is my off day. However, it's already 5am and I'm yet in the sleeping mood... I've plan two upcoming trips in the end of the year. One is with my husband and another with my family. The destination of trips chosen were Johor and Penang. Johor is shopping trip whereas Penang is food adventure. It was enriched in the end of the year with those plannings despite the busy of work. One more thing is that I'm yet finishing writing my thesis chapter and have no idea what to do. I need more resting time to get new inspirations . Sometimes I was thinking like am I able to finish the chapters by the end of the year? At the same time not forcing myself to complete it? Also I understand that my health condition which will not able to cope it in a stress condition. I have many to consider in just a short time. 

        When I’m lack of inspiration, I wish to seek for assistance from my ex-supervisor who I hardly meet with as we are not in the same city. In that case, I might just delay the year to complete the whole chapters? Even the morning alarm is ringing and I’m still here writing…Life hits me hard when it is time for me to sleep, my brain still thinking about the incomplete task. After graduated for two years, my thesis writing skills had deteriorated due to lack of practices. I can tell when I’m writing here. 

          One more thing was that why I always recall back the memories I’m working in KL city like every moment could bring me back then? Is it because of the similarities between the two cities? The reflections showed when I need to work in the early morning on every weekends. The moment I woke up very early to the office make me feel like I’m lonely and alone without my family members beside me. 

          Sleeping might make me dream about something happens in the future. When I’m in the primary school that time, I’ve been dreamed about the scenery of Japanese restaurant in the basement of Clarke Quay shopping centre. This moment appeared in May of 2023 when I firstly travelling to Singapore at that time. I can’t even explain what is going on. Just felt like a dream in a dream after all. Am I destined to visit Singapore when I was young? 

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          今天又是失眠的一天...每当看到女孩子打扮得美美的我都很羡慕，自己根本都没机会打扮到这样出门，大多数时间都在工作。工作的时候很多时候都打扮成中性，简单清爽就好。除此之外，看到人们去旅行，我也很想去。可惜机票很贵，再加上住宿费也不便宜，就打消了念头。我的人生到底有多少个遗憾? 

          我明白省钱是为了去进修，可是我的心里是不甘的...我想要打扮的美美的去旅行，可是这些都无法实现。我到底要等到几时才能去玩?明明已经工作了还是不能去旅行?想到都觉得苦涩...重点还是一个，我到底几时才能实现进修的计划? 难道就注定一拖再拖，到最后连老了旅行也去不了，打扮美美更不用说了吗？难道天生是个战士就永远也当不了公主吗？回想起来我真的很伤心。

          明年2026了，进修梦真的可行吗？还是只是发白日梦? 新年我连团圆饭也不想去，因为我还没完成自己的理想，回去也是没意义。我真希望自己至少已经入学了，这样自己还算完成了进修的第一步。可是别忘了，入学的第一步是写计划书和找教授，少了两个步骤连申请都有问题吧。现在连第二页章也还没写，灵感啊灵感，你快点出来吧~

          现在的工作，少看一眼都不行，卷到一个程度。这么忙之余，还要写计划书，真的很“八爪鱼”！工作的衣服，鞋子和护肤品都花了我一笔钱，原因是听到上司训话前台没形象，那么身为某个员工的我也要以身作则了吧，以免被议论...现在的我就等着11月和12月尾去短暫休息吧！休息是为了走更长远的路。明年的短暂旅行也还没决定去哪里，不过肯定是本地的地方，也去不了远远的...

 

Here again after five years💭Let's be Real: Work life = Battlefield

   

    I've been to Singapore for work since 2023, having graduated as a Master's candidate two years before. This is two and a half years of working when I'm writing this now...🥺 

          My current mood is unhappy now, as many things passed through during those working years in Singapore. I’ve been crying since the first time I got here as I was forced to marry my boyfriend for some reason.  My emotions have been terrible since then and depressed for a while. Until now, for me, everything has been like trauma, as I’ve been traumatized by various kinds of situations, which included work, residential, financial support, health, etc.        

  
          After working here, I found that money was my major priority until I realized it was wrong after reading my previous blogs… I’ve changed to the one that I hated the most in my life. During my work last year, my grandfather passed away. That time, when I went back to his funeral, I left none of my teardrops for the whole ceremony. I think my emotions might be frozen at that time which I could not even stimulate teardrops from my eyes. I found it unusual back then as it’s my first time not being able to cry out loud. Only when leaving back to work after the funerals end, do my eyes splash into tears during my work lunchtime. I still remember other people around me at the food court were looking at me at that time, but I just don’t care.

         I met my ex-course mates working with me in the same company. They were competing with each other to hit the sales target using different kinds of methods in which there was no right or wrong. I found that people have changed from universities to the working era. I saw that they were trying hard to maintain their jobs, am so and I? I'm not sure why I became one of them, as previously, I was a person with no sales-oriented. The reason is that I've been forced by the leader and being brainwashed by them to hit the sales target. Worst while, I've been criticized by the leader in front of other colleagues. Her intentions were to embarrass me in front of others. 

          Besides, I've met some colleagues who were two-faced, and I'm kind of confused with them and have no idea how to deal with them. My instinct told me not to stay close to them. If not, you will be in trouble. Despite facing these problems, I have a plan to work longer here to gain financial stability and work experience. And one of my hopes is not to meet my ex-course mate or colleagues here, because I think it was inappropriate to meet them while I am still working here. Also, I think it is mentally exhausting meeting them, as I'm the type of mental mysophobia towards my job and can't really tolerate other colleagues' dignity towards their job. 

            I have my own philosophy towards my job which might not be the same as others. I'm happy to share on a healthy platform but not meet them in a casual meeting. Slowly, I've got to understand why my ex-supervisors did the same thing to his colleagues. After all, I think I don't need any friends in working life, as I believe that there are no friends at work. The business world is a battlefield. I think this can be applied in study life as well.